Remember that atrocity Lena Schneider? Well this is her brother, and boy oh boy, it’s just as bad as the other one, if not worse. As usual, my comments are in bold.
Humanity’s laziest. First procrastinator, couch potato and biggest baby in Scouting Legion. He hates working and doing anything that won’t result in any profit for him. Noisy and annoying, likes to be in centre of everything. Stupid pranks and rude comments are Ivan’s trademarks. On the other hand he is very charismatic and great at leading people; natural born commander. I’m calling bullshit, and let me tell you why. Because nobody is going to follow a lazy person into combat. Nobody. And no, you cannot just go from being the laziest, couch potato who procrastinates doing things he doesn’t want to do to being a charismatic, natural born commander. This doesn’t work. You said it yourself, he’s the biggest baby in the Scouting Legion, and in order to be a Commander you need to be mature and be able to show other people that you are worth following. Sorry, this just doesn’t work.
When working, Ivan likes to work with people - he hates being alone. Usually doing some physical trainings or other activities since he can’t stand “brain-thingies”. Who even wants to work with him when he’s rude and pulls pranks on people? Who even takes him seriously when he’s lazy and a big baby? Ivan can be also grumpy and sad, but it’s a really rare event for the man. Then why even put this in here when it’s a rare thing? You’re only supposed to put relevant information on the character sheet.
Okay, let me break this down for those of you folks who aren’t going to survive until the very end. He is Humanity’s Laziest, yet all his stats – except for his intelligence – are at 9s and 10s. This is Humanity’s Laziest. He also wants to be the next Commander of the Scouting Legion, yet the author states that “he hates working and doing anything that won’t result in any profit for him”. Tell me something, how is joining the Scouting Legion and becoming Commander going to profit you at all? It’s full of danger and hard work, all the things Ivan hates. And he’s the biggest baby in the Scouting Legion, correct? Why even go into the Scouting Legion if you don’t like hard work and are a big baby? Why not go into the Garrison?
Ivan is one of the Schneider twins - Lions from North - son of an aristocrat from King’s surroundings and a high priest. Both of them, alongside with their distant cousin, Dimitri, lived good and decent life behind Wall Sina, until a certain accident. When he was 7 years old he was abducted with his sister and cousin, as well as with other children from each Wall. They were held in some kind of underground laboratory. Cruel experiments and genetic changes, caused them a lot of painful memories and phobias. Except of course because your OCs are just so perfect they never ever experience these traumas. Let me tell you something: YOU ARE BEING OFFENSIVE TO LITERALLY EVERYBODY WITH PTSD. Especially since they were children who were subjected to cruel torture! They would not be okay! They would be mentally unsound and be unable to trust anybody! They’d be paranoid! They’d have issues dealing with their emotions! They’d have flashbacks and nightmares and phobias! You cannot get rid of PTSD in no time at all! Some people never get better! JUST STOP. After a year of searching his parents finally managed to rescue all of the children. In a year, you say. I doubt if this were a covert operation that their parents would be able to find them in a year. Some of them were already dead, in result of the experiments. Higher-ups covered up this accident, but it still remains in hearts of the rescued kids. The experiments were conducted by army to create a new type of titans, that could control others and wouldn’t kill people. They were named the Berserkers. Only a few of them were considered successful, beside them Ivan, whose operation codename was “Kérberos”.
Unlike Lena, Ivan didn’t become so obsessed with revenge on those who conducted experiments. But he still wanted to punish them at any cost. Do you realize how much of a contradiction this is? He wasn’t obsessed with revenge, but he wanted to punish them at any cost. You are literally saying he is obsessed with revenge. After a few years of rehabilitation and peace, he decided to join the army with other Berserkers. They could reach the King’s surroundings through well passed exams and promotions, and kill anyone that was responsible for their tragedy. In the end, Ivan didn’t make it to Military Police and joined Scouting Legion instead. I’m just wondering how he didn’t make it into the Military Police when his stats are so high.
With his friends, he finally discovered the truth behind the experiments and as well as their goal - the Berserkers where just a half product. The goal was to create an ideal titan being, called now the Neo Berserker that was supposed to be used in coup d’etat and abolition of the King. Again, it is still never explained who these higher-ups were and why they were doing this. Do you realize that you are treating your readers as if they are stupid by assuming they will believe this? The higher-ups already have power, what reason do they have for trying to take down the monarchy and the powerful people in society? And besides if you read the manga (which I’m sure you haven’t) you’d know that the King is just a figurehead, and all of his decisions are influenced by aristocrats and the Wallists anyways. So they literally have no reason to try and take out the “higher-ups”. Both Schneiders and other Berserkers decided, that they will do everything they can to stop that faceless organization from taking over the reign and then fulfil their personal revenge.
Now that the most recent chapter of the manga has come out, let me tell you a thing. Humans/titans are not turned into shifters by a serum. This should probably be amended in my previous critique. They are turned into shifters by eating a shifter. Therefore it is literally impossible for these scientists to turn these children into shifters.
The main reason Ivan joined the army is the same as his sister’s: to carry out revenge on the organization and higher-ups responsible for the experiments that ruined their lives. But after realising the real goal of creating Berserkers, he decided to protect the kingdom first. Joining Scouting Legion was not planned and made a few complications with the whole thing, but in the end they accepted it as a good thing – Ivan could keep a close eye on titans inside and outside the Walls and make reports about their unusual behavior at first hand.
Why did he even bother joining the Scouting Legion if he’s lazy and a big baby? Why does he wanna become Commander when being mature and having a strong personality are two traits that are absolutely necessary for becoming Commander? There is literally no benefit to being Commander. Have you read the manga? Do you see what Erwin Smith has to deal with all the time? I highly doubt a lazy, baby couch potato can handle what Erwin Smith has to.
Ivan’s goals are simple. Taking revenge and protect his family from all evil. He strikes for the position of the next commander of Scouting Legion. He also jokes that he wants to be the next King.
You said Ivan is not as obsessed with revenge as his sister. Yet his main reason for joining the military is revenge, and the first thing you list in his goals is taking revenge. In the last sentence of his history you state he wants to “fulfill personal revenge”. Yeah, right, not as obsessed as his sister you say. Did you actually read what you wrote before you posted it online?
Intelligence - 4/10
Social Skill - 10/10
Vitality - 9/10
Speed - 10/10
Battle Skill - 9/10
While your entire personality is full of flaws, I still say he’s too overpowered. For somebody who’s super annoying and rude and likes to pull pranks, wouldn’t his social skill be lower? And if he’s lazy why are his battle skill and speed so high? He’d procrastinate doing any sort of work.
Ivan loves to be the leader in everything, mint candies, flirting and fighting.
He dislikes being alone, working, liars and noisy people similar to him.
Making jokes, sleeping, smoking cigarettes, eating candies.
Wow, so original. Having one sibling the exact opposite of the other. You do realize that siblings usually end up sharing some similar traits because they both come from the same two people, right? Unless Lena and Ivan are in no way blood related. But honestly, everybody does the whole “siblings who are opposites” thing. Why not go for something more original?
- His full name is “Ivan Octavian Caspar Schneider”. Why such a long name? It’s honestly so unnecessary.
- Ivan is a Berserker by name of ” Kérberos “. He was rejected as Neo Berserker because he cannot use his power when he wants (has problems in changing into titan form).
- He has two tattoos of lion’s head on his hands. This is such weak symbolism. A lion represents fierceness, bravery, and regality. Your character represents none of these traits. Try going for a potato instead. Unless of course you’re going for the fact that male lions are lazy and don’t do anything, then this symbolism is perfect for him. But you should probably explain that.
- Ivan uses a special type of blades for fighting, designed by his sister. I’m sorry, but you cannot do this. There are standard issued blades for a reason. If he doesn’t like following the rules then he shouldn’t be part of the military.
- He admires his mother greatly. When you add a trait to a character it should usually come with a “why”. I read the backstory and tried to see why he would admire his mother, but I don’t see any reason to. Unless this goes back to him being a “big baby” and he’s a momma’s boy.